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Remember those nights you were upset and didn’t feel like talking? All you wanted was to hear my voice. I was too fearful of saying the wrong thing or having to accept defeat because your sadness couldn’t be beat. So, I read to you. I would have read all night if that meant I could hear you on the other end, knowing you were okay. I would make up stories when my eyes got too tired if I thought it would make you feel even 1% better. Remember when I would come to you, when you only asked once or not even at all? God, waiting to see you always killed me. Remember when I used to repeatedly message you until you responded because I just wanted to hear from you? Even if it was a simple question like, “how was your day?” or, “did you have a good sleep?” Your one word answers were always enough for me. They brightened my day instantaneously. Remember when I’d call you, even though you were in a deep sleep? I knew you’d apologize in the morning if you didn’t get the chance to say goodnight. Hearing your voice was a really nice bonus, too.

Remember when I said it was getting to be too much to handle? That each day we were getting further and further from what we wanted to be? I didn’t have a change of heart. I still love you. I still miss you. But something in me changed. I started asking myself why you were never there. Why you stopped asking how I was. Why you stopped sending me random messaging. Why you couldn’t devote at least five minutes of your day to me. Then I realized something. I can’t do all of that for someone and expect nothing in return. I don’t expect flowers or surprises or any of those cliché things. All I want is for you to at least say goodnight. Even on the nights when I need you to tell me things are going to be okay. All I want is that. One word. Ten seconds of your time. But even that is too much to ask for.

If I could erase you from my memory, I would. Maybe then I would get some fucking sleep.

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